Trouble in the Shower (but not like OZ)
By: Pete Phillips
February 27, 2003
9:55 AM

for all your 200000 parts... wait, there's extra zeros, right?

And there I was, getting my stuff ready for a shower, when I realized that I left my soap in the shower-bucket thing upside down and not tightly closed. It's the price you pay when you're as slow as I am, but I was prepared. The old bottle of soap did bite the dust though. 

The soap and I go way back. We first got together in a CVS long, long ago thanks to Alexa Beretski, who picks out all of my body soaps... those were the days. He'd sit on my shelf, laugh at my jokes, compliment my haircuts, listen to my woes, and just be a good bottle of soap. Ocean Breeze was the scent placed on his bottle, and every time I showered I would feel the seaweed of the ocean floor under my feet. I would later find that this seaweed was actually mold and various other grime that would infect my feet and land me helpless in the hospital (this hasn't happened yet, I do wear sandals to avoid such complications).

But, like all good things, the Suave Ocean Breeze soap did come to an end. As sad as it made me to throw the bottle away, it was for our own good. As I said, I was prepared and I whipped out the new bottle of soap: Lever 2000. This new bottle had an elitist attitude and gave me a lot of lip. When I opened the bottle and squeezed some soap out, I found that the soap was transparent! The bottle had a blue tint, but the soap was clearly clear!

After the shock wore off I picked myself up off the floor and wondered if I had purchased a blue bottle of water. Then I remembered what the Blue Lemonade KoolAid Greg H. Kirschner and I made looked like in a blue bottle of water, I laughed. It was really blue.

Soon I found that my shampoo was low too, but I also had an extra bottle of that, so all was well yet again. With all danger averted by being prepared like MacGyver, I was happy. Wait, MacGyver was never prepared, right? That's why he was always making life-saving devices from paperclips and rubber bands, right? What a hack... I thought he was always prepared. Am I the only one wrong about this? Who cares--

With another bottle of soap and shampoo gone, I wonder what else may come my way. Will I run out of gel soon? Will people see that my hair doesn't lay down, it just goes... out? Will those Danish Cookies ever go away? Could someone take the basketball hoop?! Do I have insurance on my soul? Why look to the future, eh? If you've learned anything in this article it should be that being prepared helps when you run out of soap and that I can say many contradictory statements in one piece.