that's what glee feels like

Yesterday, my Nielsen Media Ratings packet came in the mail. This is the second packet I've been expecting in the mail, the other being my sticker for the fraternal order of police, so that maybe I won't get a ticket if I get pulled over. Then again, my tinted back window won't even show the sticker, so who am I kidding? The important thing is that my Nielsen packet came! I count-- my vote counts!

For those of you unfamiliar with the Nielsen company, they're "the leading provider of television audience measurement and advertising information services worldwide." Not too shabby, huh? Well I kind of work for them now. They paid me to track my TV-watching. Nielsen, in good faith, paid me $15 when they sent me my packet. That's right, they sent me money-- cash no less-- before I even gave them my results. How can I not enjoy working for a company like that? A company with functionality and trust-- it's a dream come true.

It's always hard for me to explain my TV habits. A lot of people put down TV lately. People think that there's no need to watch it because it's all crap. They're usually right, but that's why TV is crap too. When hipsters are too hip for TV, they miss hip shows, like Arrested Development, then those shows get cancelled. It's a sad cycle that goes on and on.

Another important reason to watch TV is because people need jobs. Writers are there to make a living, and if they don't get their sea legs (did I just say that?) on mediocre shows like Two and a Half Men, then how will they develop into better writers for shows like Stacked? Okay-- bad example, but still.

TV dramas-- oh don't get me started. I still seriously and literally feel a small pain when I think about Boomtown being cancelled, and that was because those people who are too "intellectual" for TV weren't there to enjoy it. That show really told a story in a new way, but you probably missed out. It's okay though-- now that I'm a ratings number, I can save things! Yes!

What will I be saving? Good question. My favorite show of the season went out over the summer, so forget that-- but I can add numbers to Fox's Prison Break and NBC's The Office. I'll also pencil in for CBS's Numb3rs.

Not many people share my excitement on this matter and I'm surprised at that. I know way too many people that don't watch TV for some reason or another, so that may be part of the problem. But not watching TV is like not voting for the president. Does that sound silly? Because it's really not. If anything, TV has more direct impact on the youth that the president. They only care what he's up to if they're getting shipped off to war or getting educational funds cut.

Ask me, and I'll tell you that Uncle Jesse had more impact than Reagan-- or was it Bush 1? Who knows-- see? Therefore, I'll get my vote out for TV, for America. Yes. I'm taking it there. It's only fair that I address those of you who may well be excited for me too. First, I appreciate it. The number one question I've been getting is "Why you?" To be honest, I have no answer, other than I am completely awesome. Maybe they knew that I like TV, even when it's awful, and that I would be a good monitor.

I do have to admit that I'm a little upset that it only goes for the prime time and late night times. How can I express my unhappiness with Lifetime and their Unsolved Mysteries switch? At least they're recognizing that my life isn't so slow that I watch TV all day, but what if I did? I mean I do have some vacation time coming my way.

If you would like to be involved in Nielsen Media Ratings, I have no advice for you. All I can suggest is that you wait patiently for a card in the mail, then you wait patiently for a phone call, then again for a package, then go to town. TV is out there, and even though there is a surge in people feeling above TV, when you get lonely, remember that TV is always there for you. At least it will be until you ignore it away-- but that's a long way off.