Shoot 'em cupid-- shoot 'em hard!

Valentine's Day is here again good people of the world. It's quite the holiday because everyone, no matter what race, religion, or whatever can enjoy. Oh- except you have to be in love with somebody. I forgot that part. But then again, in today's climate of social inclusion (where exclusion is saved for the private sector), there are probably tons of anti-Valentine's Day parties or even a singles mixer or two. But we don't care about them-- we're here to help the daters.

Now when I had to plan my Valentine's date it was quite difficult--that is, until I started to ask for help. Clearly this desperate measure was just wishful thinking. I didn't expect any earth-shattering ides from the men in my life, maybe a "Shit, that's tomorrow?!" or another confused soul to sympathize with me. Instead, I was given a master key in keeping the love alive in any relationship: coolestdates.com. And now, we have to examine their suggestions. Bear in mind, this is a real website and these are real suggestions. Yikes.

Tour a mortuary
We're starting off strong with this one, from the "unusual dates" category. It is indeed unusual, and maybe if you're dating a budding medical studies major, this could work. I would surely recommend not doing this with your date because you could end up in the mortuary yourself.

Go to a wedding reception of someone you don't know
Cheap and unsettling-- what a combo! This is just wrong because you'll cost someone else their hard-earned money. You know those little chicken dinners go for like $30 a plate. That's crazy! Don't do this. You'll piss off the whole reception and probably your date too.

Go to a furniture store and get a couple of huge shipping boxes, gather about six couples together and decorate the boxes like cars. Then when you are finished, put handles on the inside, travel to the local drive-in, climb in, and walk your group through the drive-in and order dinner
This crowd favorite really makes you question the validity of this site altogether. Before you're thinking, "Okay, maybe this site's for cheap necros," but now? There's no way out of this one-- it's just lame. I thought long and hard on this one, and besides upsetting the mentally handicapped community, I can't think of a demographic for this date idea. No, I'm gonna say that even all of the mentally handicapped community is above this idea. That said, I'll pay for the dinner of the first six couples that do this together.

Locate a large piece of cardboard. This can be found at a nearby furniture or appliance store. Curve the end up like a toboggan. Find a sloping hill of dry grass and slide down. Wear older clothes (grass stains)
That's right-- cardboard is your best dating friend. You can sled, or drive through!

Play hide-and-seek in a mall as couples. Each time that you see another couple, write down who they are, and what time you saw them. After the ending time, go out for banana splits.
DON'T FORGET THE BANANA SPLITS!!! There's no better way to finish an evening of stalking-- I mean dating-- than with a banana split. Believe it or not, lots of dates on this site end with banana splits.

Find a wild berry patch and enjoy picking and eating berries.
AKA Coolest way to kill your date.

Go to a travel agency and explain that you are comparison shopping a trip you are planning to take. Ask for an itinerary of sights to see. Get estimates for airfare, lodging, food, and transportation.
Okay this is great for really cheap people because you don't actually spend any money or do anything. You, in essence, waste a salesperson's time and hope of commission because you're too unoriginal to come up with a date of your own.

Build a tree house (make sure you have permission from the tree's owner!)
This would work for Greg, because he can build stuff. This does appear to be a seasonal date idea too because it won't fare well in winter. And how about that terrible joke at the end?! It makes me want to vomit! It seriously bugs me more than it would any mentally stable person.

Stake out a claim and pan for gold
What the hell?! C'mon-- there can't be a moderator to this website.

Have an old-fashioned taffy pull. Each couple colors, flavors and twists their own batch of taffy.
What is an old-fashioned taffy pull?!

Make a sweetheart tree for your girl. Use popcorn and gum drops.
This is sexually exclusive and SO doesn't give enough directions. What do I make a pile of gum drops and popcorn?! Since when is popcorn a sweet anyway? It's usually considered a salty no-no or a tasteless health food.

Make a tape or CD of all the loves songs you both like and play it while relaxing in front of a glowing fire (or while driving in the countryside).
Not the first time they assume that you have a countryside. And if this is your whole date you may be in trouble. I would do a CD as a supplement to an already good date, but it's not going to stand alone unless you're dating Carly Simon-- oh, oh I bet you think this site is about you, don't you?-- you are so self-centered Carly! Take me back!!

Stay home and cook your favorite meal together for a quiet dinner at home.
If you need a website to tell you this, you should really revaluate your relationship and creativity.

Take a moonlight canoe ride. Be safe (wear life preservers, just in case)!
You may or may not know my canoe trauma story and I gotta tell you, a life preserver will let your limp, dead body float, that's it. So don't put too much stock in those damn things.

Take a walk on the beach. If you live near the ocean or a large lake, taking a walk on the beach or the shoreline at sunset or in the moonlight can be very romantic and peaceful.
Repeated AND over-explained.

Buy a large block of ice, take it to a park with lots of hills, sit on the ice, and slide (put a towel on top of the ice).
May result in gangrene ass.

Find unusual rocks and come home to paint them. You could put small eyes on pebbles and make a rock band.
It's really wrong for me to hate these people so much, right? I mean these are stupid ideas, right? It's not me expecting too much from myself than rock-hunting and a bad pun? Maybe it is. Maybe I'll just give in and get some rocks, paint them some eyes and put them on toilet paper so we can rock AND roll!