"i'll be missin' you"

Dear Lifetime Channel,

Who in the hell do you think you are? When I was ten, I missed most of fourth grade. I had major knee surgery related to having a cancerous tumor in my knee. At that time, daytime television was all that kept me going. I remember episodes of Matlock, Murder She Wrote, and James Bond, Jr. These were not on your channel, so I apologize for going off on a tangent. Over the years, when I faced breaks in college and days off from work, daytime television had always been there for me. Now, with steady employment, I found comfort in every lunch, knowing that I could walk to my apartment-- yes, walk, the knee is healed with only minor complications-- and enjoy an episode of Unsolved Mysteries.

When I walked home today, Monday, February 13, 2006, my world came crashing down. Suddenly, Unsolved Mysteries became an unsolved mystery. The show that would spotlight missing persons went missing. In it's place, Will and Grace, whose success is another unsolved mystery. Lifetime, you are the network for women, not gay men. That's one of those five or six channels on satellite TV.

You have always been a very lukewarm channel. I don't want to insult, but I have to be frank. You haven't sucked-- let's get that clear. SpikeTV, your male counterpart, has reached for success with the most embarrassing results. SpikeTV sucks. Lifetime shows inspirational stories and movie after movie about victimized
women-- so many that you have your own movie channel now. These movies have always been on the fence between entertaining and serious (my favorite being Video Voyeur: The Susan Wilson Story).

Amidst those primary programs you spit out Ellen reruns and paid programming. You had a crown jewel in Unsolved Mysteries. WE can shrivel up and die. WE has nothing. You have been the winner in women's programming because of Robert Stack and the gang. Why you would move them with no regard for fans is beyond my understanding.

This void in my life cannot be filled by Debra Messing either-- unless, of course, you bring back your old pride and joy, Ned and Stacey. I would be tempted to do anything if you brought Ned and Stacey back. Did you know Charlie Kaufmann wrote for that show? Yeah, the Being John Malkovich guy. I was surprised too! Anyway-- again, I digress... Will and Grace has done two things for America. It has made people believe that irritating people are entertaining, thereby making more people act irritating to gain attention. It has also taken stereotypes about homosexuals and made the public believe them even more. Progression, I would wave to you, but you're too far behind.

What social value does Unsolved Mysteries have? Excellent question. Let me run down a few things that I've learned from Robert Stack over the years:

1. Some missing persons are not found, and some families cannot cope with such loss. This may sound like a weakness, but the love that they have will one day unite them with their loved ones, whether it be in a tearful "updates" segment or somewhere beyond this earth.
2. Some people sting themselves with bees as therapy for disease.
3. The link between blood-relatives can be stronger than anyone would ever think. It is this bond that brings brothers and sisters, separated at birth decades ago, back together again. This familial void becomes filled with strangers that feel like home, and that is beautiful.
4. Some people are brimming with hate, and they will kill a person without thinking twice. I've learned that every action has a reaction and that when you do something, the effects of your action could ring for years, until they are deafening.
5. When some do wrong, they must pay. This is not a chime of vengeance, rather a nod to all of the fugitives caught that claimed they could not run anymore. Some were glad to be caught. Guilt is heavy baggage, and the strongest souls cannot run forever.
6. Aliens totally exist.
7. The hearts of a nation can help heal the wounds of a precious few that got their cases brought to life on Unsolved Mysteries. While it would be easy to sit back and not pick up the phone, countless people did, and that is as far as we need to look when we feel that the world has gone bad.
8. If you use a Ouija board right, you could become a famous author.
9. There are brave people that stand up in the face of danger, but sometimes, for reasons that aren't for us to know, they get cut down and taken out of this life too soon.
10. Every mystery has someone who knows the truth, someone with the answers that could unlock the mystery. You, I, or that man on the TV could be the person with those answers.

I have learned these lessons, that is true, but what of the youth of tomorrow? Where will they turn to learn these things? I don't know, and I don't think you have an answer either. Every incident teaches a lesson though, and I haven't left this one empty-handed. Today, Lifetime, you've taught me good things go away, and it's times like these-- times that are after the fact-- when we reflect and think about those good things. Hopefully, when they come around again, we'll appreciate them even more.

Sincerely,

Pete Phillips

PS-- Thanks for shitting on my daily lunch routine.