they can't solve all the world's problems

Sometimes there are questions that even the greatest minds haven't considered. One day, such a question might pop into your head and you'll type it into Google, hoping that someone is as smart (or insane) as you are. Billions of people are on this world and surely one of them has thought the same thing and gotten an answer, or at the least considered possible answers. One such question is "Why don't they have a bridge across the ocean?" it's not my question, but it is one that doesn't have an answer.

When I heard this question I thought that surely Beakman or Bill Nye had gotten this and explained. No luck though. I think the question was so simple that no one bothered to answer it. Beakman turned to that big ass rat that lived in his workshop and said, "Screw this-- their parent can handle this question-- let's do that hovercraft out of a balloon and vinyl record again. I gotta go play Jax if you know what I mean." And the rat re-ran the same strip we've seen a hundred times.

"Who asked you this question, Pete?" The story is irrelevant-- the point is that no where on the internet has anyone examined the structural, social, economic, and scientific reasons why this cannot be done. For those of you who could care less about these reasons, I ask you to take the answer of one elementary school teacher: "They just don't have the materials for it."

For you nay-sayers who claim that if a trip to the moon is possible, then surely a bridge across the ocean is, we have more evidence. Before I get into that, let me just say, if we had stairs to the moon, I would agree with your logic, but since we don't, it's flawed.

First, let's consider the social angle. This isn't the most logical place to start-- most jump right to the structure, but go with it. Who would finance such a project? If the world can't unite to resolve poverty, do you think they'll join up for a bridge across the ocean? And if it does get built, you always have dissenters who will target it for terrorist attacks anyway. I'm going to throw the problem of road rage into the social category too. On I-95 in Philadelphia you see some road rage. I-95 stretches across the Eastern Coast of America, from Houlton, Maine, to Miami, Florida. That's a total of 1,927 miles. I bet there's a lot of road rage on there, huh? Well put a bridge across the Atlantic Ocean and you got about 4800 miles. Somebody's getting shot.

Economically the bridge would really put a damper on trade. Oil would have a hard time getting around. Either the northern half of the world or the southern half will miss out on a lot of goods. The answer seems simple, a draw bridge, but to stall that many cars while waiting for the bridge to open and close could kill our ozone (more) with emissions. Think about it. I'm sorry to squeeze environmentalism in here, but it had to be done. And while on the topic of oil, you'll need floating gas stations out there, and I can't get behind that. I remember oil-slicked ducks from the tanker spills of my youth.

Keeping organized, let's go with the structural and scientific reasoning. This is where you get most of your information. When you build a bridge, whether it's arch-supported or suspended, you need some posts, for lack of a better word, that provide the support of the bridge. This is elementary bridge-building. Now, these posts would have to be anchored in the earth (or at the bottom of the ocean). You'll need to have something that satisfies the criteria to achieve this task. That would be something that is 5.4 miles long and can sustain the pressure of approximately 40 jumbo jets. For you nerds, the deepest point is in the Pacific at 6.8 miles and 50 jumbo jets. Other structural factors include building to the curvature of the earth and how much weight these posts have to support from above, in addition to the water pressure from all sides.

In the words of Mrs. Kirschner, the materials just aren't there. And if you find a miles-long support beam that can sustain that pressure, you'll need to find a transportation unit that will allow your workers to install such a post into the Earth. How many of those workers will die too? How many lives is it worth to achieve your end?

It took a ferry crash that killed 168 people to create the Akashi Kaikyo

Practically, let's look at existing bridges. That could give us a good idea of what to expect, right? The longest bridge, without qualifications, is the Second Lake Pontchartrain Causeway in Louisiana (which was damaged quite a bit from Hurricane Katrina). This bridge has arches and supports all over. The length, 38.4 miles, couldn't be achieved by a suspension bridge. The longest cable-stayed bridge is the Akashi Kaikyo in Japan. This bridge covers a whopping 1.23 miles. The steel cable used to create this mile-long bridge could circle the earth seven times.

Traveling would also prove difficult. Surely it would be more expensive to have more lanes, but you'd need at least four (two in each direction). Then if there's an accident you'd have to shut down 3000 miles of cars at any given moment. And it's not like a highway. You can't get off the road at the next exit you inch up to. You're stuck. You've got to wait for the ambulance to travel 3000 miles over the cars (43 hours at 70 mph). And clear the accident up. All the while the Red Cross is dropping rations because you haven't eaten in 43 hours.

Don't think that's all either, because you'll have to fight for those rations-- and the idling cars will be out of gas-- then you need the floating gas stations again-- you'd better have some money on you too for that gas, because after those types of favors, you still have 1800 miles to go before you can get a hot shower to make yourself clean.

So, Virginia, it may have hurt you to hear there is no Santa Claus, but it's gonna kill you to learn that you can't build a bridge across the ocean. I don't like to wreck dreams, and I hate to crush spirits. I just had to examine the reasons why this can't be done. Hopefully some person in Russia types in the same question I did and he/she finds this page. He/she will say, in a thick Milla Jovovich/Yakov Smirnoff accent, "I knew that was a crazy idea. Thank God I can put it out of my head! Now let me see what I can find on teleportation..."

"If it wasn't for that horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college." --Lewis Black