Groundhog: This is Your Day!
By: Pete Phillips
February 5, 2007

Note the excitement of Ben (holding Phil) and that dude on the right, in the back. Now look at the guy up front, on the right (John). He's clearly upset that Ben is showboating so much. And boy, was he!

Let me just say this:
"Ben Hughes, you have all year long to decide what image you want to present to people across the mid-northeast US. What made you go with 'silent film era villain' this year?"

Groundhog Day 2007 was a step up for me, because this year I woke up early enough to watch the events on PCN, the channel that plays high school sports and state government meetings most of the day. This was a real treat, though I was initially concerned because everyone in the crowd was doing the YMCA when I turned it on. It all became clear when "Love Shack" soon followed. They were having a makeshift dance party, trying to make the people move around and get the blood flowing so that they wouldn't die (from the cold) before Phil came out. As far as I know, the plan worked.

There were several differences between this year's Groundhog Day celebration and that of last year. There were two new hosts, for one. John Griffiths and Ben Hughes took the mics and rocked the house a great deal. Hughes managed to make a fool out himself more than anything else. It's a given that everyone in the inner circle has to wear the black coat and top hat, but the handlebar moustache really made Hughes look like he was going to tie a woman to railroad tracks. What pushed him over the edge was when he donned an alarm clock around his neck, à la Flavor Flav, to help countdown to the time Phil would come out.

Last year, when the Inner Circle took the stage, Alisha Turull was quite upset that no women were represented. She's a big fan of recognizing oppression, so it was no surprise to me. In one ear, out the other, as they say. But someone out in Punxsutawney must have heard her, because this year they had women! Granted, the women weren't in the Inner Circle, but they were dancing on stage, and that's what women are for, right? Of course, Alisha, never satisfied, pointed out that there were no minorities in all of the crowd. I considered giving up the truth that I knew, that white people are stupid and no one else would stand in the cold for a marmot, but I figured I'd keep the secret a little longer. George Bush, Jr., and Paris Hilton seem to be making it pretty obvious anyway (I think we should kick them out of the club).

Alisha quickly fell for the King of Punxsutawney, despite his goofy hat. He was one of several hundred people with goofy hats on. I was more taken by the Queen of Punxsutawney, because redheads are inherently cute. We had an argument about who would rule the town if we split them up. Alisha said she would, and I think she's right. I just told her that there are people in Punxsutawney that can take him out, then I would be king of Punxsutawney I gazed up and to the right and smiled for a minute or two. Then we both realized they were each in high school and figured that we should leave them alone. High school is so dramatic, and college is no better. Call me in six or seven years, Red.

Another improvement from last year is that Phil didn't crap all over the place when they pulled him out. Last year was pretty gross when that happened. Nobody talks about that part, huh? This year's Phil was slim and well groomed. You could tell that a new handler was in place. I don't know if they have groundhog treadmills, but if they do, Phil spent a lot of time on one. Then again, they may well have gotten a new Phil and killed the old one for getting poo all over the stage. Who can be sure?

A big downfall from last year was birthday announcements. Let's say 2,000 people were there to celebrate. About... 1,950 people had a birthday. It was very annoying because, after they announced a group of birthdays, a straggler would come by and go, "It's my birthday too." Then they'd have to do it again. And one guy turned 60. To celebrate his birthday, and raise awareness of breast cancer, he walked 30 miles to see the groundhog. Yeah, diagram that sentence, it makes no sense.

So while the Pete Phillips Groundhog Day Party was a bomb, it was still a nice celebration to watch. I spent the day at the apartment, getting progressively sick. No one came by until about 4:00, so you can all take next year's party and shove it. By then, Greg and I should be independently wealthy and we'll be running the whole Groundhog Day celebration (of he'll at least have the day off). Maybe we'll let you be a dancer.