I stir my milk with the broken bones of  you soda-loving children

You know what Tom Brokaw just told me? Apparently there is a rise in kids breaking their bones because they're not drinking enough milk. You know what I say to that? Good, ya bunch of idiots! I don't know what the hell else these people need. I mean seriously-- what more can be done to tell people that milk is good for you? 

The remarkable ad campaign in my youth was quite simple and direct, "Milk, it does a body good." To which I would think, "Gimmie some milk!" Obviously milk didn't work too much magic on my body, but for people that actually lead healthy lives, milk and dairy products are an important part of their style. Brokaw, however, says that milk has a competitor these days, and that it's named "soda," or "pop" if you're... like that. Now I have no problems with either beverage-- though apple juice once told me that Milk was talking smack about me in the locker room-- but I find myself with easy access to soda, and it does have a longer shelf-life. As a matter of fact, I'm pretty sure that I have some milk stinking up my fridge as I type this. 

The benefits of milk are clear cut though-- there's really no reason not to drink it. Cows give it to us and cows are cool, so what else do you need? Cows are cool, we should be eating grass because they do too. Cows taste good, so their juice has to taste pretty good too, right? Well I like milk and you should too, ok? Never forget that. Vegetables taste awful, but milk is earthly, and tolerable. And for those of you who say milk doesn't taste good-- you can kiss my ass. Eat cake or cookies with your milk-- stop being such a jerk! 

Cows were plucked from a field or raised in a barn and they're being sucked dry for your nutrition. Saving them all is a big dream, so let's settle for the smaller dream of not letting them die in vain. We need to give cows a purpose, and that purpose is tasting yummy and making my bones strong. 

Back to idiots though, I'm just not understanding why people aren't drinking enough milk. In my lifetime I've seen milk turn into the most happening, hot, styling beverage on a farmer's market. We started with the aforementioned "Milk, does a body good." This campaign showed everyone that milk was good... for your body. That's nice to know. I mean milk is pretty much forced on you at the grocery or convenience store anyway, so when you find out that it can build strong bones, then there's more incentive for you. We went on to the celebrity of milk in the "got milk" magazine/billboard ads. These were a big thing for a while. I remember more than one annoying girl in middle school collecting the various advertisements from magazines. Milk started to build in urgency too. I hope we can all recall the Aaron Burr incident with our Burr-fanatic eating a peanut butter sandwich. Had he had some milk on hand, he would've been rich. And you never know when that could happen again. 

For me, milk offers a sense of security. I don't like to be without it for very long, and if I am, it prevents me from enjoying such delicacies as cereal, chocolate chip cookies, any type of cake, and many more things. I never know when a sweets attack will occur either, so I have  too keep milk around just in case.

In a related story, reported over the holiday season, fourteen year olds are starting to ask their doctors for Viagra. What's that all about? Kids are starting to get severely misguided in this day and age. I mean here's milk-- a proven, natural way to keep your bones strong-- but kids are trying to take the easy way out with Viagra. Sickening... almost as sickening as that joke itself, but you're lucky there's only one bone joke in this piece. Move on with bittersweet satisfaction....