more like poop survivors

Sometimes you can't rely on the Sci-Fi Channel to play bad movies all the time, so you have to go out and find them on your own. One such place you can search is Best Buy's $5.99 and under rack. If you did so, you might find Soul Survivors: The Killer Cut, which boasts more sex, blood, and something else, than the theatrical release. That drew me in because I had never known of a theatrical release. The movie starts with some blonde girl getting killed in an apparent cult style. Then we cut to a blonde girl who is packing for college. Is it the same girl? I'm about 96% sure. She's drinking her ass off on the first night and it seems that some people don't like her. Eliza Dushku is in this flick, she was on some Buffy The Vampire Slayer stuff, and Bring it On. A resume looking for a spot to place a teen thriller. And that's what we've got right here. We hit a club/party scene that is starting to make me dizzy and a little pukey. Now pay attention, the guy who killed the blonde is now trying to dance with her. That confuses me--but somehow, I think it was supposed to.

Casey Affleck is in this movie. I don't know if he's related to Ben Affleck, but probably. Luke Wilson also comes in later! I can be a fan of Luke Wilson. He's cool. Something tells me that I've seen parts of this movie before-- maybe when Greg had free cable for a little while. Anyway, the blonde-- I'll try to get a name soon-- she's the ex of Matt, who's with Eliza Dushku now. I think he made out on the deal. Regardless, she's with some new guy now, Sean. Anyway they're making out in the car-- Blondey and Matt-- and then Sean sees it! Holy crap! On a "don't drive when you're angry" fable, they get into a car accident with the guy who killed her in the beginning. This sounds pretty confusing, but don't worry about it. Bottom line here is that Sean died. Blonde is Cassie or Cass or Cassandra. I told you I'd have a name. It seems like she's pretty broken up about the whole thing, which is understood. Luke Wilson is a priest.

The plot seems to be moving pretty slow despite the on-screen action. Cassie is living in a nicely furnished apartment, not far from school, she is visited by Dushku in a while, who still seems to be portraying the dark, bad girl image. I'm not sure, but Matt could be dead too from the same accident, because some new creepshow on Dushku's arm, very Goth-Adam Ant look to him. He's also creepy-acting, so he scares Cassie. She's so scared that she decides to go on a night stroll to the library, where she is run down and ends up in the hospital, with..... Sean? Yeah, that's Sean. Well it seems that Sean's not dead. NO-- that's Matt! Matt seems to try to be getting back with Cassie. I think it would have been respectful to have put a leading man with dark hair and a leading man with light hair. That would've helped me with this review. Cassie seems to be going crazy with all of this death around her, she ends up back in the hospital again. My bet is that she's not leaving the hospital. I think she's just staying in the hospital the whole time and this is all some comatose dream or something.

LUKE WILSON! By God it's good to see him. Now Cassie's talking with Fr. Luke Wilson about her car accident and how she never told her boyfriend "I love you." She also says that she thinks Sean's still with her "like really with me." He comforts her, like a good priest. We're being shown tons of fast cuts that make us think that Cassie's crazy. After some painting incident you start to imagine a terribly frustrating fully-clothed lesbian orgy. I don't know if it would be fair to say that it's fun to watch, especially since it ends with a blood-popping splatter from the shower drain. Bear in mind that contrary to my DVD case, there isn't more blood or sex than the theatrical release in that there isn't any at all. Okay, maybe some blood, but not cool death-blood. We're talking nose-bleeds and such.

And wouldn't you know it-- there's the sex! Cassie's having dream sex with Sean, but I bet it's real sex with Matt. Yup! It is. Cassie doesn't know/remember that she had sex with Matt. When there's a knock at the door, Cassie opens it without even thinking about how she's naked. She freaks out and calls her mom, which is what moms are for. Who do you call when you're being chased and are marked for death? Ma! However, we see that there's a flyer on the phone booth that says "Killers Caught in Campus Murder" and that would be the murder of her, if I know what I'm saying. She goes to the library to study again, where she catches Dushku making out with that creepy little guy from a while back-- I was right-- it's a chick. So here's you're real lesbian orgy. It's college, so there needs to be girl on girl action, right?

After Cassie spies on the action, she leaves the library. I guess she couldn't focus on studying any more. I feel it important to point out that this isn't some porno DVD. It doesn't have big nudity, but the number of scenes involving sex are curious. Also notable is that there MUST be a plot that I'm missing in here some where. No one would just make a movie like this with no purpose. And no, I don't think the purpose is Eliza Dushku naked-- she's had ample opportunity and no delivery. Moving along though...

Cassie decides that since there was so much ease on her last night walk, she should take another. She is followed by one of the guys who killed her in the beginning. This guy Matt is pretty lame. He's not even doing a good job at fake-believing Cassie. She's all a mess and he's doping her up with pills and stuff. Cassie can't get a hold of her mom, she just keeps leaving messages, but clearly her mom doesn't love her enough to call back. Now cassie's swimming. There's no good way to die in a pool. The only memorable attempt was in the Howling 4 or 5 or something. She doesn't die either. Some people are making a big deal out of Cassie's head trauma. She sees Sean again, but he's dead still. I'm getting pretty bored with this. I should've gotten The Fan or Celtic Pride. They're $5.99 too. Sean and Cassie go to the woods, which can't end well. I bed Sean's alive and he wants to bring her back to life, out of that coma I was talking about, but she wants to stay where she's at, but she doesn't know she's dead.

When mom won't call and all else fails, go to Luke Wilson! Oh god there's so much more time left. Cassie's in purgatory-- that's my guess. Luke Wilson must be an angel or something and Matt's the devil, along with those people who killed her like three times already. I don't mind a bad movie. I usually love 'em, but this one is a nonsensical movie. Cassie just woke up from sleeping at Jude's place-- she asked a priest where Jude it. Ten to one he's dead. Yep. He is. This movie just made a total mess out of the Catholic faith when the new priest felt Cassie up. That's terrible, and not even clever. A further confusing point to all of this is that through sex and terror, Matt and Eliza Dushku still remain close and friends to Cassie. I want to play solitaire instead. I think Dushku and Matt are trying to get Cassie to go to hell, while Sean is trying to take her to heaven or the real world. If there's one thing to take away from this movie, it's to have more than just 4 friends in college because they may vie for your soul at some point and if that's the case, then you'll be screwed.

Now, one of the guys who killed Cassie just got killed by Cassie in the pool. His mask fell off after he's dead, and you think it's Matt, but it's not. He comes to help her again. I think he's not helpful though. When Cassie finally demands that they go home, he takes her to that club that all the crap went down at. She gets lost in the crowd, which I was surprised didn't happen the first time, and then is pursued, AGAIN, by one of the guys who killed her. This is a steamy load of crap. I think the club is hell. I bet that's right.

Cassie runs from the club and ends up back at campus where she sees a ton of police and a bunch of flyers with missing people on them, they're all the people that have been against Cassie from the get-go. I see a twist ending coming. There damn-well better be.

What could all the cops be looking at? OH-- it's Eliza Dushku, who's dead, but she was just at the Hell Club, and then Cassie gets nailed by a car. What the hell?! Now we're back in one of the first scenes back at the hospital. This is such a mess. How could someone write this script?! it's a mess. Now we're getting some answers:

It seems as if Cassie is living between reality and her coma-dream. Which is which? That's the question you're not too sure of. They finally have a priest praying over Cassie, but not Luke Wilson-- no, now it is Luke Wilson. After some very non-Catholic words he tells Cassie to fight to live. She sees the light and learns that she must fight to live her life or she'll lose Sean forever. Screw her parents! She wants to live for Sean. Now this is all romantic pansy shit. I'm quite upset by this mess, especially when the guys who killed her some back at the end in a fake dream. Jerked from her sleep, her new bed-mate, Sean, comes to her aid. And that's it. What the hell?! That was awful. The best bad movies are ones that realize it. This was just shamefully ignorant of its poor quality. Shame on me for purchasing a movie that boasts "From the producers of I Know What You Did Last Summer and Urban Legend."