Diary of a Mad Latino Woman
By: Pete Phillips
January 15, 2007

It's got to stop some time, so why not now? Those are the words I'm speaking to dear friend, Alisha Turull. A girl who claims to come from a village (poorly named Effort, for their "effort" in building a post office or, rather, their lack of effort in visiting a post office that was far away) and into the big city (Wilkes-Barre-- big city-- nah). I met her years ago as a confused young girl fresh out of high school. She's only months away from being a confused grown woman coming out of college. Of course, aren't we all confused grown women at heart?

Alisha does several mind-boggling things a day. She swears off men at least once a month, she tries to fly any chance she gets, she longs for the good old days, and she gets an idea and really latches onto it like a pitbull, but then it will escape her in a fleeting moment (like dressing like a gypsy and smoking). For all these reasons, and more, we love Alisha here at PPO. One reason we don't love her is that she posts stupid myspace bulletins. Over an 11 day period, I committed to studying her bulletins and trying to find a method to her madness. I took screengrabs of most of them, in an effort to understand what they meant, why they were being posted, who they could help, etc. Our findings are posted below, but even my anthropology experts at Oxford had very little success in tracing these words to meaning. Perhaps you can help...

This, ladies and gentlemen, is a good use of a bulletin, until the middle. Up until the words "As for..." things were going well. Alisha was showing concern and care for her loved ones in a new years wish. Then she fell into the kiss topic, which just ruined the sincerity of the beginning. This bulletin has now turned into a kiss solicitation, negating the opening sentiments. Lastly, Alisha often uses non-specifics when it comes to romantic things, thereby making her a target for any male who reads her bulletins.

I'll give you this bulletin-- it works well, in my opinion. Alisha plans to go to a concert and she's looking to see if anyone she knows will be going. You'll notice that there has been three days since Alisha's last bulletin. This is very nice and very common. Also, take note of the phone number. I blurred out the number "15" for her privacy, but she's posting it on the internet, which is a bad idea for everyone. I've been with Alisha enough times to see her express major concern and confusion over how people have acquired her phone number. I laugh or make fun of her because of bulletins like these.

Improper use of punctuation, but who's perfect, right? The offense that the Oxford people noticed on this one, in taking data from interviews they conducted beforehand, is Alisha's tendency to make the most recent event the best ever. This is technically possible, since it's a newer moment than the last, with potential to deliver on the "best ever" notion. Break between bulletins: one day. This is more common.

One Oxford scientist asked me why the bulletins were so short and why they held information that only about ten myspace friends might care about. I told him to shut up because that's what I was asking him to figure out. If this were changed to say "The next two days will be crazy-- we're riding hippos, hunting woodland nymphs, eating monkey brains and kangaroo, skiing in the desert, and hot-air ballooning," somebody (like me) would go, "Holy crap-- that is crazy! I want to know more about this craziness." The generalized craziness offers no insight or explanation as to why I should care. Repeat offense: exaggeration.

This is a really annoying one, for me. Primary offense: use of a self-bestowed nickname. AlishaTKO stands for something I don't care about, but if you ask anyone (except Thom Shubilla) using a self-bestowed nickname is one of the worst social things you can do. Remember Seinfeld, George, T-Bone? Also, nobody knows anything about that software except me, the guys who made it, and all the users at their extensive help message boards. Nobody can even tell it's software from this bulletin, can they?

Three bulletins within 24 hours and three minutes. This is the most common annoyance with Alisha bulletins. Days and weeks may pass, but then you get rapid-fire useless messages like this. Also, it was absolutely not a perfect day for basketball. It was overcast and there was a dash too much of a chill in the air. "But Pete, that's your opinion-- a 'perfect day' is an subjective thing." I know. Then why did she post this at all? She couldn't have been playing basketball with all of her myspace friends. That's just impossible.

Repeat offense: exaggeration. Buddhism states that after you attain the ultimate state of Nirvana, you'll feel bliss. When you skateboard, you do not feel bliss. You feel clumsy and look clumsier. I have to work five days a week. From this bulletin, I can conclude that if I add skateboarding to the mix, I could feel "the joy of heaven." I haven't tried it, but I'm sure it would not work out. I would feel the pain of falling down.

No, Mother Nature is not a myspace friend of Alisha. In fact, despite over 1700 friends (and a curious love of breastfeeding) Mother Nature isn't very active on myspace. It should also be noted that accumulation was very low, snow did not stick after 9:00 AM, and it could barely be called snow. Since the second bulletin on this page, I haven't cared about any of these bulletins.

This is a dangerous one. Alisha has a crush on the entire male gender. I'm in that, and I find it troubling, since we hang out a lot.

Oxford came up empty. They only concluded that Alisha is likely a madman and she belongs in a mental institution or on a reality TV show. She would probably go for both (she likes new experiences).

What bothers me the most about Alisha's bulletins is that I keep opening them. The emotions I feel are so negative and complex, but I keep opening each one, wondering what it might contain. Will this be the one that breaks the cycle? Maybe this one is the apology for wasting my time in reading past bulletins. Maybe this is the end! Sure enough, it never is. When years go on and on and the Oxford students of the future look back on the ramblings of Alisha Turull, will they find some inner meaning that we can't see in our current times? Alisha Turull: ahead of her time or behind the ranks of the sane? You'll have to decide for yourself.