dry your eyes-- we're here for you

Ladies and gentlemen-- we've got a situation. PPO hero and all around mega-star, Sasha Coen, may be missing the Olympics! Michelle Kwan, nine-time national skating champion, has petitioned the US Figure Skating Committee to get an automatic spot on the Olympic team. For those of you who aren't privy to the figure skating world, you are missing out. I'll do my best to fill you in.

Michelle Kwan's got a bad groin. Maybe it was heavy lifting or maybe she took a tumble at practice-- we don't really care about the details. She was hurt, so she missed out on the national championships. Generally, the top three ladies go on to the Olympics. After all, it is the national championship, and they go on to represent the nation at the Olympics. Now that the preschoolers are caught up, Kwan missed the show. She fills out the papers and writes a letter and now she might get a spot on the team. This means one of three may be heading home.

Alissa Czisny, 18, is one of the leading ladies vying for the spot on the team. She stands 5'4", but she's all legs, baby-- I mean, the leggy vixen-- I mean-- This Ohio native has been one of those extra people at the skating competitions for years. You know, somebody's gotta get 5th place, right? Well now she's stepping up, and stepping out, with her sweeping spins and daring jumps. And those legs! Emily Hughes, 16, is also fighting for a chance to get into the games, piggy-backing off of the success of her sister, Sarah. Some other chick is trying to get in too, but her name is Kimmie, and that's just irritating.

Sasha, who recently turned 21, is the leader in this competition. However, things have gone wrong for lesser reasons. You remember 1994? Nancy Kerrigan got beat down and Tanya Harding got her spot. Well that really didn't pay off for anyone, did it? Nancy tried to keep her spot though, but it didn't work. Back then, Kwan was in line for that spot, at age 13. She lost it to some knee-poppin' crazy woman.

Nobody's beating Michelle Kwan, she just got hurt (on her own). Sometimes shit happens, right? But wait, she's been to the Olympics before. She lost out to Sarah Hughes in '02 and Tara Lipinski in '97. Is the potato too hot Michelle? You can't seem to hold on long enough. I tell you who can hold on: Sasha Coen. Boom! She'd burn the potato because she's on fire. You can't handle this Michelle!

Even though Kwan lost the Olympic possibility when she was 13, she's trying to take the spot away from 18- and 16-year old new-comers. Not to mention Mao Asada, who was denied a spot because she's 15 (new age regulations), and she apparently rocked all their proverbial houses. But even under fire, Sasha maintained her grace. She called the exclusion of Asada a "sad" thing. God bless that girl.

And what's Sasha saying about all this, anyway? Well she missed Kwan at the Nationals, "It feels a little weird without her here. Just me and all these little girls. It feels a little empty without her." What a gal! But you know what? Sasha has to remain polite and diplomatic. That's why we're here at PPO. We'll stand up for her--

This is figure skating, Kwan, not baseball. You don't get paid even though you're hurt. Wanna know why? Because you're hurt! We're not letting you go to the Olympics to embarrass us. Kwan says she'll back off the team if she's not 100% by February, but I don't know a groin that heals in a month. This is all bogus. Kwan's old now and she won't get another chance to be on the team. After this she'll travel around with Scott Hamilton and all the other classics. No one likes to do that, despite how cushy the life must be.

And, yo, Kwan-- who's been duping Sasha for years already? You. She's been the best and you've been taking her spot from teams and places on the medal stand. Sometimes you gotta just bow out gracefully and move on. If you keep going back and getting silver medals, what will that solve? And on top of that, I'm betting that all these girls have a chance at beating you anyway-- especially Sasha Coen.

Yeah, I'm sure Sasha would like to have Michelle Kwan on the plane and cheering her on from the sidelines, but if she's hurt, she's hurt. We all love what you've done for the sport, but if Sasha Cohen doesn't make that team, I think I know a few brothers in Jim Thorpe that may be taking a trip to Turin with some baseball bats.