Kristy Swanson's Perfect Career
By: Pete Phillips
January 10, 2007

Kristy Swanson (as Christie Boner) in Dude, Where's My Car?

There's a reason why the PPO Celebrity Family doesn't get a lot of women in our ranks. It's not because women are inferior to men at all, because they're not, of course. The problem is that when you make a lame-esque movie, you have to put a woman in it, but as long as she's a pretty face and a nice body, it seems that producers and fans don't care who she is. When you put LL Cool J or Christian Slater in a movie, it doesn't generally matter who's playing opposite them, because you've already been hooked in by a recognizable, reliable actor. They can put some buxom model in there and save some money, rather than going for the tried, true, trusted star power of such people as Kristy Swanson.

Forgiving Kristy her most famous role as Buffy the Vampire Slayer, she's has a brilliant career of good and bad movies alike. She's worked her way into many of my favorites, not to mention some amazing star power she's worked with over the years. You probably didn't even notice her in Ferris Bueller's Day Off, but that's okay because she was just getting her acting legs. It would be years before she's match wits with Charlie Sheen (and others) in leading roles.

The first time I recognized the vast talents of Kristy Swanson, it was in 1987's Not Quite Human. At four, I was already spotting talent that I wanted to work with as an adult. In the movie, Alan Thicke creates an android, teenage son. He's cool and there's some tragedy towards the end, but Kristy Swanson was already filling the shoes of the on-screen beauty. She played Eron (like Erin), the girl that Chip (the android teen) had a crush on.

She made her way into a few television appearances on Knots Landing and Growing Pains, but she didn't jump back to the front of the line until she went opposite William Ragsdale (Charley Brewster from Fright Night 1 & 2) in the only thing that could be better than Mannequin-- Mannequin 2! She was a great plastic woman-turned real. Themes of human characteristics in man-made, inanimate objects started to show in her role selection. This was because Kristy, herself, had a robot lover in the early 1990's.

She took the sexy role again, sharing the screen with Charlie Sheen for the second time (Ferris Bueller...) in Hot Shots! One of the only successful film parodies out of the hands of Mel Brooks, the film did quite well. This success wouldn't last very long, because in 1992 she made a very brave career move by signing on to star in Ate de Jon's follow-up to 1991's classic Drop Dead Fred.

Highway to Hell was equal parts The Odyssey, Inferno, Mad Max, and Drop Dead Fred (the last one weighed it down quite a bit). It told the story of Rachel Clark who is taken by Hellcop and will be put in Hell for all eternity (or something like that... I missed the beginning). Charlie, her boyfriend (Chad Lowe) has to save her by tracking her down and stealing her back. The movie packed star power like Lita Ford, Gilbert Gottfried (as Hitler) Ben and Jerry Stiller, and CJ Graham (who played Jason in Friday the 13th 6). Still, it had little success at the box office because it was pretty bad all around. It was the kind of movie that I wish I could catch the end of... regrets...

Kristy wouldn't be held down though-- she starred in Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but we're ignoring that because it made her recognizable. We celebrate her other work, like 1994's The Chase, where she hooks up with Charlie Sheen yet again (and Cary Elwes too, see Hot Shots!). This truly terrible plot involves her being a kidnapping victim and falling for her kidnapper (Sheen) and screwing him in a moving car during a police chase.

Blah, blah, The Phantom with Billy Zane (and Catherine Zeta-Jones if you care), blah, blah, then came Kristy Swanson's crowning achievement as supporting actress in the modern hit man classic, 8 Heads in a Duffel Bag. This movie was a true powerhouse and Kristy put up a great performance as the girlfriend of a man who unwittingly ends up with a bag full of human heads after a luggage mix-up. I would venture to say that the cast (in addition to Kristy) was to die for: Dyan Cannon, Joe Pesci, David Spade, George Hamilton, leading man Andy Comeau (who played Forrest Gump in Weird Al's "Gump" video), and the scene-stealing Todd Luiso (who you know from High Fidelity).

Where you or I would just retire, knowing that life couldn't get any better, Kristy went on strong. She did a TV appearance here (Early Edition), and movie there (Big Daddy), waiting quietly for her next big role. The answer: Christie Boner in Dude, Where's My Car? If gold could act, it would do it a lot like Kristy Swanson.

She managed to snag our favorite Baldwin (Stephen) in 2005 with Bound by Lies. I haven't had the pleasure. I also missed her Lifetime movie, Forbidden Secrets. I did NOT miss her return to major attention when the Motion Picture Association of America had to increase the regulation size of all movie screens so they could fit both mega-stars Kristy Swanson AND Judd Nelson in Black Hole. Okay, it was a TV movie, but still, it was BOTH of them.

Last year she also completed Living Death, about being held in the torture chamber of your husband along with the guy you're sleeping with. It's a video release and we can all hope to catch it some day, but I'll settle for classic Kristy any day. In spite of her beauty, she's always had a great screen presence and personal style. She's been the silver lining in a few bad movies over the years, and for that we salute Kristy Swanson. We hope to keep seeing her return to the screen, whether big or small, for many years to come. She's expecting a child in the coming months with her "pro" skater partner from Skating with the Stars. We're not sure, but pretty set on liking her more for scoring her reality skating show partner. What did they expect? She was a playmate in 2002 (as a total return to sexual power, not a cheap move like Tiffany).

Her middle name's also Noel, which is just pretty.