It's Clear: Water's Up to Something
Ha-- that headline is punny. Ha-- punny is punny. Funny? Get it? I'm a comic genius.
By: Pete Phillips
December 9, 2007

water also took over some windows desktops and default AOL themes

Dear Water,

What's your problem? How have you brainwashed so many people into loving you? I don't get your outer space mind powers, but I'm onto you. What're you gonna do-- drown me? Try it. I have more towels than you can imagine. Don't think I didn't realize it was no coincidence when they found remnants of you on the moon. You messed that place up, so you've come here. Is that it?

All I know is that people are trying to drink eight cups of you EVERY DAY! It's craziness. I wrote to Aquafina about you a while ago, but I realize they can only do so much. You're actually a source of income for some people. For me you're a source of peeing. Pee, pee, pee, work, pee, and pee. What kind of work day is that?

I say "No more!" water. I'm only going to drink you when I'm thirsty. You're not a joy. Like... orange juice is tasty stuff. When I'm thirsty, I can drink orange juice because it tastes good and it's good for me. You taste like crap. As a matter of fact, crap has more taste than you because crap HAS taste. You're tasteless. You're like Paris Hilton.

I want to know how many doctors you had to pay off to get the country to believe you were good for them. The way I see it, you're good for drinking when people are thirsty. People are thirsty a lot, I understand that, but they have options. Okay, don't drink beer if you're thirsty because it dehydrates you-- that makes sense. Drink water when you're thirsty because... what? It hydrates you? Most beverages to. All you do is cause potty breaks.

I know that's not your ultimate goal though. You want to rule the world, don't you? You already have over 70% of the earth. And I went to my doctor-- he said you've taken over 65% of me! That's wrong water. You messed with the wrong human.

But I'm not too worried. I do have you in check. I'm aware of your problem, and my body does appear to have a limit to how much of you it can take, as evidenced by the numerous trips to the bathroom during my work day.

All I have to say is this: When I was a kid, I used to go to the beach and swimming in the pool. Baths were bad, but it was because they were required. Once I was in the bath, it was fun, with toys and bubbles. But as I grew older, I realized that you're not as cool as I thought you were. You're a little over-bearing and in-your-face. You remind me a lot of Oprah.

I'll drink things with you in them, and I'll even drink you, but if my finger starts to drip off one day, I want you to know ahead of time that I'll be very upset. Just be aware that some of us are onto you. You still have time to turn your life around. When you're ready to get serious, I'll always be here for you.

Sincerely,
Pete Phillips